If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
