i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
