my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
