btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I pour the whiskey from now on
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
