I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize