Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
