Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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