He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
