I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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