I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
