What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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