Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
