proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
