The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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