My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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