thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just pee around me
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
