I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
