She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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