I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
