Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
