turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
