apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
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