i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
