I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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