I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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