i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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