It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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