You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
