you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
