Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
