Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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