Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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