His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
i think i just lost a toe
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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