I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
