i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
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