Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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