also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
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