Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
