Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
