so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
