She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize