Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize