Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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