Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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