If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Randomize
