I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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