not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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