it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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