Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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