Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
