first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
