I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
