yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Someone shattered a urinal.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
My ass is underappreciated
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
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