youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
