i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
