Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Randomize
