never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
