She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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